THE DAILY SHOW HEADLINES

As the Democratic Party hones its campaign strategy for
next year’s election, it might look to Austin, Texas, where
Democrats are facing off against Republicans using a
strategy experts have dubbed “running like hell.”

Fifty-three legislators from the Texas House of
Representatives bolted for the Oklahoma state line to
prevent a vote that would redraw voting districts to favor
the Republican House Majority.

Speaker of the house Tom Craddick broke the news,
saying, “we have found 40-plus members located in Ardmore,
Oklahoma, they are staying at the Holiday Inn, at the
present time, five minutes ago they were having dinner at
Denny’s, for those of you who might be interested in that.”
Divisions in the Democratic ranks appeared at Denny’s,
where representatives were deadlocked over the issue of
whether or not the “Moons Over My Hammy” is delicious.

VIOLENT DRILL TEAM

A nationwide bio-terrorism drill was kicked off in Seattle
last week, as a mock explosion of a dirty bomb tested the
preparedness of firefighters, police, and other emergency
workers.

The Seattle drill is said to have run smoothly until news
of the wartime re-enactment reached a group of nearby Civil
War buffs, who excitedly set up a basecamp and attempted to
saw off victims’ legs.

According to Seattle mayor Greg Nickels, such an event is
crucial to national security because, quote, “homeland
security really begins at home.” Nickels is actually
speaking literally. Homeland security really does begin at
his home as Tom Ridge is crashing on his couch for a couple
of days.

BLAIRLY LEGAL

The New York Times recently printed an exhaustive front-
page story flagellating itself for the deceptions of a
Times reporter, Jayson Blair, while also providing the
first evidence we’ve seen in years that newspapers have any
sense of shame.

Blair was discovered to have falsified and plagiarized
dozens of stories for the Times. One glaring example of
Blair’s deception were his vivid bedside descriptions of
wounded Marines at the Bethesda Naval Medical Center. The
hitch is, he was never there but interviewed them by phone.
This fact should have been more apparent when he relied on
one heavily sedated Marine’s description of the other as “a
quiet purple centaur with TV coming from his mouth.”

Expense reports show Blair was at home in Brooklyn when he
was supposed to be in Maryland covering the sniper story.
One embarrassingly false report that made the front page of
the Times was titled, “Boy, There Sure is a Lot of Sniping
Going on Here Where I Am. Maryland That is… Where I Am at
Presently. Dang. Look Around at Maryland.”