Lawyer Lines

Why do people love to tell lawyer jokes? There is something about this respected profession that commands our disrespect. One must always be careful about offending lawyers, of course, because you wouldn’t want to face one in court. Or would you? Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain’t so bright after all….

1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

2. “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”

3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?”

4. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

A: “No.”

Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”

A: “No.”

Q: “Did you check for breathing?”

A: “No.”

Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”

A: “No.”

Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”

A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”

Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”

A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

5. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”

6. “Did he kill you?”

7. “How far apapt were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”

8. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”

9. “How many times have you committed suicide?”

10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”

A: “Yes.”

Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”

11. Q: “She had three children, right?”

A: “Yes.”

Q: “How many were boys?”

A: “None.”

Q: “Were there any girls?”

12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”

A: “Yes.”

Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”

13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”

A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”

Q: “And you took your new wife?”

14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”

A: “By death.”

Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”

15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?”

A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”

Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”

16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”

A: “No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”

17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”

A: “All my autopsies are performed on dead people.”

18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?”

A: “Oral.”

19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”

A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..”

Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”

A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”

20. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”

A: “I have been since early childhood.